Posts tagged #trans
My neocortex knows that she was only hitting on me, because she was curious what it's like to do it with a trans guy, but my limbic system is all but lying on the floor, paws up, licking her palms and begging for metaphorical belly rubs.
*sighs* At least the whole experience has made me even more secure in my bisexuality.
I've been going to a dance workshop for a few weeks now. And the hardest thing for me is allowing myself to feel my body.
I have had a bad history with myself and ignoring my body to some extend seemed to be the best way to live a normal life. I'm still not sure what part is trans body disphoria, what part is eating dissorder and if they are even separated. I only know that it took me to some dark places in my life that I don't want to visit again.
As someone who overcompensated with sports and such, I have missed the connection to my body, so I am slowly trying to reconnect.
But it is highly triggering and I have to constantly remind myself that I am allowed to eat. That my body is okay the way it is (not good, not bad. Just existing and doing a good job in keeping me alive). Read More »
Ugh, the week of physical dysphoria continues into this one. Definitely beginning to avoid mirrors now. What I don't understand is what triggered it. Normally it's a one-off thing and within a few days it subsides enough that I can go on with my life.
Typically I can ignore my body. That's basically how I've survived adolescence and adulthood. I am so completely divorced from it that it just doesn't register as a thing that's a part of me. That's why I never really had problem with mirrors, like many other trans people do - I just never recognized what I saw as me, so I also didn't care what that other person looked like. Just made sure that the image in the mirror is combed and clean and that's where my responsibility ended. My real life and my real body is in my head.
But there are days when the physical dysphoria crashes in. It starts with something stupid, such as seeing my feet while showering and getting a panic attack because they are too small and delicate. And then over the following days it grows and it grows. This week I've been struggling. It started again with stupid shit. This time it was my ears. Suddenly I saw them and panic set in. In the following days it grew. One day it was the ears and my jawline. Then it was the ears, jawline and cheeckbones making me feel sick when I saw them or even just touched them. The next day my chest started bothering me and startling me. Like it's saying, "Hey! Hey! How long do you think you can ignore me? HEY!" Read More »
Okay, but the cishet culture in my corner of Eastern Europe is wild (I say, having participated in it while I lived here, closeted) and it's hurting everyone! That ex who screamed at me for being trans... We talked things out, but so much came up. This is going to be a long read...
We were talking about my marriage and I mentioned that if I do end up divorced, I'd either not date at all again, or go full t4t, because I would just want to be with someone who has had a similar relationship to their body and gender as me and is aware of possible trouble. That prompted a new volley of outrage as my ex tried to convince me that if a cis guy came to me and told me I have a juicy ass and he wanted a piece of it (his wording, not mine), I should agree to do him. Right... Read More »
After coming out to family (fear of rejection) and coming out at work (feat of discrimination), I think my personal worst is coming out to exes, because I never know how threatened they'd feel in their sexuality and how that would manifest. Specifically, if they'd become violent.
Case in point, the guy from yesterday felt so insecure that he found it necessary to show up at my mom's place at 11 pm last night to call me outside, and then to proceed to shout for the whole neighborhood to hear that I'm a woman, I'm nothing but a woman and that my transition might *feel* like it's important to me but actually *he's* the one who's truly affected by it, because it makes him gay and he's totally not gay and how dare I undermine his masculinity like that... Which are totally valid feelings but there's a good way to process them and a shitty way to process them, and this was the latter. And I love this dude to death, he's still a really good friend, but he also has abusive tendencies, which both me and other of his previous partners have been subjected to... If he reacts in such a volatile way, then I don't know just how violent others might get. Read More »
Coming out to so many people this past week has been so weird. I keep getting surprised at how people see me. For instance, I came out to two friends from 25+years ago. The three of us have been very close. One of them was stunned and said that she didn't see it coming at all. The other basically broke out in smiles the moment I uttered the words "I have something to share" and said that she'd been waiting for me to come out since high school.
Also came out to an ex of mine, who reminded me that he used to call me Mikhail (the long version of Misha) whenever he got frustrated that I was more masculine than him. I had conveniently forgotten that, together with most of our relationship, that was pretty toxic 😅 We broke up probably 13-14 years ago. Read More »
I'm out. Out, out, out, OUT to my mother! It was through no courage of my own. After a week, in which I completely failed femininity, she cornered me and demanded to know what was going on. So I explained the best I could. She's not on board with pronouns or calling me anything else but her daughter, and the idea of being trans is completely alien to her, but other than that she was more relieved to just know. Which is fair. And the forms of address are a battle I'm not interested in fighting now. I'm also just relieved that she knows. She ended the conversation with, "Well, I wanted to go to the mall with you to get you nicer clothes. I guess let's see what's there in menswear." And that's about 500% better outcome than I had ever hoped for! Read More »
Day 3 visiting my mom. So far my plan of going femme for two weeks is going great! 👍 By which I mean I have completely failed at it. I tried wearing makeup twice, both attempts lasting 30 seconds before I wiped it off. Yesterday I needed to clean my grandparents' house and since I didn't have any other cleaning-friendly clothes I wore the only fitting dress I could find in my old room. Welp, even my mom who always hypes up every tiny bit of gender-conformity in me couldn't say anything more than a tentative, "Uh, nice...uh... dress?" And no wonder. I'm 80 kilos of back muscle and glutes and rapidly approaching the shape of a door frame. I cannot pull it off. I'm sure athletic women can; my sister definitely can, but I'm just not convincing anyone. Read More »
Anxious, anxious, anxious. Next week I'm traveling home, where I'm only out to two people who I may or may not meet with at all. The thing is, I haven't been back for a year. Last time was pretty early in my transition and I didn't look different at all. Now I do. My mother is already excited how she's going to "fix that awful hair" and I don't think she'd be thrilled at all about the rest of my style either. While she doesn't get to dictate how I look, I also don't want to be confrontational. So I'm preprating to be in girlmode at least part-time. I've already shaved a year's worth of body hair... Read More »
marbear
I survived tournament day without passing out from overheating! Also, with no pain or irritation from binding for 16 hours*, and shockingly enough with 0 dysphoria, despite being automatically read as a woman by most people
I actually like binding. For the longest time I was scared to, because you read all sorts of things about how painful it is, but I found that it relieves back pain for me, rather than cause it. That said...
There's warning for extreme heat for Saturday.
Me, remembering that I have to spend 12+ hours in formal clothes at a tournament :
- Fuck it, I'd rather deal with extreme dysphoria than bind in this heat.
Also me, realising that I'll be spending 12+ hours in a public position, dealing with competitors, coaches, crew and audience:
- Fuck it, I'd rather actually die of heat exhaustion than willingly increase my dysphoria by not binding. Read More »
Stopped by the thrift store to get a white button-down shirt for an upcoming tournament, where I'm on crew duty. Didn't find anything that works for me, but I did manage to assemble the late 90s- early 00's Queer Millennial starter pack, so that's 12 euro well-spent.
marbear
Today I am so grateful for my partner's perfect act of allyship, by itself, but also in contrast to just six months ago when we were on the verge of divorce.
Today I needed to see a doctor and was really stressing out, because it was not our usual family doctor but a substitute - one with whom I've had negative experience in the past. Already during the triage on the phone I felt condescended to and my pain dismissed, so when it was time to go for my appointment I decided that I didn't have the energy to also possibly have to explain my gender situation. So I decided to dress femme *sigh*
Just as I was about to leave, my partner walked by, took one look at me and asked shocked, "What the hell are you wearing?" I explained. Then he took me by the shoulders, marched me back inside and said, "Listen, you're already in pain and you're anxious because you expect a hostile encounter. How on earth do you think you're going to advocate for yourself if you're also dressed in a way that is distressing to you? Take these off and dress like the confident and assertive man that you've been working on becoming!" I did and he was like, "Well! Isn't that loads better?" Read More »
My head hurts and I feel like shit, so here's a list of things that I'm actually happy about myself.
1) I have been chronically underperforming at work, because I hate working alone *that* much. But for the last few days I've been training a new dev, who's going to be partnered with me, and I'm on fire! Teaching gives me so much energy. He's smart and quick, if a bit cocky on occasion, and I think we'll make an epic pair. And I blew our lead's mind by configuring passwordless access to the server lol
2) Looking in retrospect on one year of transition, I realize that it's done miracles about my assertiveness. Having to repeatedly come out to people and to proactively insist on correct forms of address, or to defend my gender expression, has made me much more confident about upholding my boundaries, standing my ground and caring just a tiny bit less about getting critical feedback. This has spilt over to other, gender-unrelated communication. I'm letting my voice be heard a bit more. I am letting fewer people interrupt me and make sure that if I have something to say that I get the opportunity to say it. I'm not avoiding conflict at *all* costs - I still don't like it, but if I feel I need to oppose someone on principal grounds (e.g., if it's for the good of the team/organization), I'm way more willing to do it. Read More »
It is rare that I feel good about myself, but today I feel so fly that not even the sexagenarian butch who berated me for - among other things - working out at a trans gym and not at the women's gym "like a normal woman" could get my mood down.
Shout-out to the 80 year old in a wheelchair I just met, who was like "Welp, I figured I was a woman when I was 35 but never transitioned, and now I'm living in an old people's home and it's about time I did something about it."
Doing combat sports before FTM transition:
- guys would always, always, explain things to me when I didn't ask for it. Did I know the technique? Doesn't matter. I got an explanation. Did I ask for an explanation? Doesn't matter, got one. I ask to please let me try out the technique first, because this is a drill, and to debrief after it? Nope, dudes waste the entire drill time explaining me how things should be done instead of just letting me do the fucking exercise and figure it out as we're supposed to. And in the end I didn't learn the technique, because I didn't get a chance to try it out.
mountaingi
existentia
nelami
