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Surgery went well. The recovery was going great until I got the drains out 5 days ago and immediately ran 38.9 that is still going. Got sent to urgent care, got a horse's dose of antibiotic on Sunday but it's not better. So I wonder if I actually picked up some COVID? Normally I always have tests at home, but I used my last one the day before surgery itself. So I'll have to wait until tomorrow my partner can pick up some.

It's a double mastectomy, but I have so much fluid build up (the suspected infected seromas), that I basically have an entire new set of tits. I'm at least a B cup now 😂 Not getting too worked up about it, in terms of dysphoria. Mostly I just want to have normal temperature again and my chest not to sound like a half-empty water bottle every time I move (it's the fucking weirdest feeling). Everything else will resolve itself one way or the other. Read More »

I'm finally starting chemo on Tuersday! \o/ It's going to be rude, ngl. We're going for 4 medications. The first two every two weeks for two months. Then the other two, every single bloody week for three months. If that doesn't kill it off, there is one more we can do as targeted therapy. Side effect of at least half of them is leukemia and other cancers, so yay, I guess.

The oncologist wore a Pride pin (my gaydar was screaming already when I saw her photo on the hospital website) and was deliberate that she would do her best not to misgender me or use my deadname.

CW: cancer

Month and a half in post-diagnosis, I haven't started treatment, because the hospital forgot me and I fell off the planning. :/ Now it looks like I'll start treatment in November. Meanwhile I'm chillin' with a tumor that a month ago was 12 cm at the smallest part and it keeps growing. More than 12 lymph nodes affected. Stage 3c. I don't know what is going to happen with me. Every bruise makes me fear it has spread to the bone marrow. Every lightheadedness makes me fear it's moved to the brain. And I've lost all hope for ever starting medical transition.

Something I just realised: while I normally speak or think of myself, I use he and masculine grammatical structures. However, whenever I am criticising myself, I switch to she, feminine words/grammar, call myself fem-coded slurs, I use my deadname. Basically, my inner voice not only bullies me most of the time, but also misgenders me routinely. Rude! lol

But there is a positive. I've always had trouble realizing when I'm being unreasonably critical of myself and shutting down that irrational voice. Now I have a pretty clear cue to tell me that my self-criticism has gone beyond what is proportionate to the situation and has gone into beating-myself-up territory. Read More »