My head hurts and I feel like shit, so here's a list of things that I'm actually happy about myself.

1) I have been chronically underperforming at work, because I hate working alone *that* much. But for the last few days I've been training a new dev, who's going to be partnered with me, and I'm on fire! Teaching gives me so much energy. He's smart and quick, if a bit cocky on occasion, and I think we'll make an epic pair. And I blew our lead's mind by configuring passwordless access to the server lol

2) Looking in retrospect on one year of transition, I realize that it's done miracles about my assertiveness. Having to repeatedly come out to people and to proactively insist on correct forms of address, or to defend my gender expression, has made me much more confident about upholding my boundaries, standing my ground and caring just a tiny bit less about getting critical feedback. This has spilt over to other, gender-unrelated communication. I'm letting my voice be heard a bit more. I am letting fewer people interrupt me and make sure that if I have something to say that I get the opportunity to say it. I'm not avoiding conflict at *all* costs - I still don't like it, but if I feel I need to oppose someone on principal grounds (e.g., if it's for the good of the team/organization), I'm way more willing to do it. Read More »

Spotify is creeping me out.

So, in the last few days I've been struggling with cravings for alcohol. It doesn't happen often and I've been a very good boy for more than a decade. But the past month has been a tough one in general and something triggered the cravings a few days ago (I blame Feel Good).

This morning I check my Discover Weekly playlist, and it is ALL songs about alcohol addiction. And I can't figure out what data it has aggregated to come to this conclusion, and it's creeping me out.

All that is different this past week has been: I've been listening to lots of Depeche Mode (which is what I used to listen to when I had the most trouble, but we didn't Read More »

Reposted from marbear

It is rare that I feel good about myself, but today I feel so fly that not even the sexagenarian butch who berated me for - among other things - working out at a trans gym and not at the women's gym "like a normal woman" could get my mood down.

Shout-out to the 80 year old in a wheelchair I just met, who was like "Welp, I figured I was a woman when I was 35 but never transitioned, and now I'm living in an old people's home and it's about time I did something about it."

People tease me that I haven't seen any culturally relevant film or series and I usually excuse myself by saying that I don't have the attention span to watch an entire thing. The real reason, though, is that my anxiety is so bad that I cannot tolerate the tension that is built up in the script. I have to have the entire movie/episode thoroughly spoiled before I can watch it, because otherwise I get anxiety attacks at every little conflict.

This post brought to you by me trying to go through a single episode of Feel Good and having to pause it every 5 minutes because my heart is racing so badly. That, even after the fact that I have read the Wikipedia entry of every episode so I already know exactly what happens... I fucking hate my brain. Read More »

Doing combat sports before FTM transition:
- guys would always, always, explain things to me when I didn't ask for it. Did I know the technique? Doesn't matter. I got an explanation. Did I ask for an explanation? Doesn't matter, got one. I ask to please let me try out the technique first, because this is a drill, and to debrief after it? Nope, dudes waste the entire drill time explaining me how things should be done instead of just letting me do the fucking exercise and figure it out as we're supposed to. And in the end I didn't learn the technique, because I didn't get a chance to try it out.

This post is in memory of that one ex of mine who made a huge deal of how disabling ADHD was for ~him~ but then read ~my~ neurodivergent ass for filth when I shared the visual way in which I think and access memories.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

I knew pretty early in my teens that I did not want biological children and that adoption would be the right choice for me if I wanted to be a  parent, for all sorts of reasons. Everybody told me then, "Oh, you'll see, you'll change your mind when you're older". I never did ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The pregnancy ship has sailed now (all parenthood ships, tbh), and that's okay with me, but occasionally a day pops in when I wish I had had the experience of carrying a child, birthing it... Today is one of those days ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

And then I remember what absolute body horror scenario this is for me and all the ways in which it terrifies me, and any romanticized notions I have of pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding/etc go right out the window! Read More »

My partner and I were talking about an upcoming competition and I was unsure if I still have to compete in the women's pool, considering that I am not in medical transition yet. He said, "There are a hundred reasons why this pool is not right for you, but apart from them, why would you want to cause yourself crushing dysphoria? You don't need that."

We have a lot of differences about my transition and it's been a really challenging time for our relationship. However at moments like this I am reminded that whatever the future may hold for us as a couple, he still cares about my welbeing as a human being, as much as I care for his. This gives me hope that perhaps we could ride this out. Read More »

Gender dysphoria pro tip: no one can focus on your chest if they're completely traumatized by your shirt.

Reposted from marbear

The barber who does my fade is about the best quiet ally I need in my life.

I've never come out to him, because the owner of the shop is always low-key transphobic, so he calls me by my old name but.. dude knows... and always tries to affirm me with small gestures. One of them being that lately he has started - entirely of his own accord - to give me a receding hairline xD I thought I was imagining it at first, but I paid attention yesterday and sure enough - just as we were done he took one critical look and surreptitiously shaved off a bit of my temples and my forehead to give me a widow's peak and male pattern baldness xD Read More »

Did a thing, did a thing, did a thing!

that I've been planning to do for 5-6 months now, which is to join a trans gym. Had my first training today and it was so. nice. to do physical things with people like me, with bodies, and stories like mine. To be asked immediately what pronouns and forms of address I use To .not. have to correct people every 5 seconds.

Meanwhile, at the usual training yesterday... After last time I corrected him about 20 times for calling me "she", the instructor has put it into his head that he won't use a. single. pronoun. when referring to me anymore. Not a single one. XD Not he, not they, not any of the Dutch options. Just my name. Which is fine!! You do you, buddy! Way better than "she/her" and I honestly do appreciate the effort. Only, he and I were demonstrating a technique and he literally had to use my name five times in a single sentence XD "So, we begin with Marbear standing in a low stance with Marbear's right leg leading and Marbear's left leg carrying 40% of the weight, while Marbear's plam is facing outward and then Marbear..." You get the picture. If someone didn't know my name before the exercise, now they definitely do 😂 Read More »

Went to a concert last night (my first in 2+ years). Met an ex of mine there, who proceeded to get totally smashed, hit on me the entire evening, and get physical. Made a big show of talking how accepting he was of my transness though lol.

*sigh* Serves me right for leaving the house and trying to have a life.

I was going through my clothes, trying to figure out what to donate, what to sell, and what to upcycle, and I came across my wedding dress. I don't know what to do with it. Clearly I'm never going to wear it again. Part of me wants to get rid of it. This marriage is falling apart by the second, and it hurts to see it.

Part of me can still relive the joy and excitement of that day. We didn't have any money then. He was working 80 hours a week on a traineeship and the only place that would hire me with my two MSc degrees was the thrift shop. So we went for the 10 min free ceremony at 8 am on a Thursday morning, both in thrifted clothes, no rings, no witnesses, just two ladies from the minicipality. But we were so excited and so serious about those vows! The ladies thought we were so cute that they still played Mendelssohn's Wedding March on the city hall bells for us. Read More »