Gender Dysphoria is some fresh hell that eats you from the inside, and it makes your skin feel too tight, and your face is stupid, and your body's all wrong, and your voice is shite, and did I mention how tight your whole skin suit feels?!! It doesn't matter how long you've been in transition, it doesn't matter how well you pass (or if you pass at all), it still keeps coming and you might look fine but it is actually gnawing on your from the inside until you're a blood pudding inside a human skin sack.

Normally this time Friday evening I go training, which helps a bit to get out of my own head. But of course we're in lockdown again and sportsclubs are closed, so I can't go punch my friends/get punched by them, and NO I'm not going out running in public - not when I feel like all eyes are on me and seeing me as some ugly lady with an unfortunate haircut. So it's my home and as many push-ups I can crunch but HELL I HATE THIS! Read More »

The nice thing about being autistic in a relationship with another autistic person is that there is a lot of mutual understanding and lack of judgement when you get overstimulated and as a result lose your ability to regulate your emotions and end up having a tantrum. On the flip side, being autistic in a relationship with another autistic person means that there is now double the chance that one of you would get overstimulated, lose his ability to regulate emotions and throw a tantrum. And in any social situation that you enter as a couple, there is a non-zero chance that both of you would end up overestimulated and unable to regulate emotions at the same time, at which point you end up in a negative feedback loop where you amplify reach other's distress instead of lessening it. And suddenly it's three hours later, you're both exhausted, things have been said that neither of you really meant, and you're finally calm enough to be like, "Wow, that was all completely unnecessary. We were on the same page all along" and start cooperating to fix whatever got broken. Read More »

Tonight my partner called me his boyfriend for the first time and I swear I'm going to end up in the ER with a heart attack from the euphoria I feel. Yes, it was said 90% as a joke, but it's still a huge thing, considering we've been smack in the middle of trying to figure out this whole trans thing and how it affects our relationship. Last week he also unironically used my new masc name for the first time, and I'm just so fucking floored and grateful that he is as he is.

A week ago I was upset and wrote here about an extremely conservative trans- and intersesphobic decision that the constitutional court in my country of origin made: basically that the only valid identity is one's bilogical sex, and that given the demographic crisis of the country. One of my concerns was this will make it even more unsafe for LGBT+ folx. Another was that it was also going to be used as a playing card in the upcoming parliamentary and presidential elecetions.

What do you know. Less than a week later, a bunch of paramilitary neonationalists led by one of the presidential candidates broke into an LGBT+ community centre, trashed everything and beat up some of the people there. At least one of them was armed. And, no, no one has been arrested, although the guy has been identified by the victims. Read More »

Occasionally I share here stories about my gender transition. A few days ago it was one about my observations on the value and joy of living authentically and not fearing to break with convention.

Well, what do you know? Today the constitutional court in my country ruled that that only biological sex exists and that there exists no reason for anyone to be granted legal changes in their civic status with regards to sex and gender identity. The exception being intersex people, and only those with chromosomal intersex conditions that lead to ambiguous secondary sex characteristics, so not even the majority of intersex people. That's rich, on the international day of intersex visibility, too. Read More »

For the longest time I didn't want to start transitioning, because of vanity and some internalized fatphobia. As a woman I was moderately pretty, at least, back when I was thin. Then I put on weight. Like, a lot of it. Which wasn't a problem per se, as oddly enough I enjoyed the process of seeing my body changing that way. It might have even alleviated some dysphoria, because once I stopped being thin people also stopped drawing attention to my body. No one feels compelled to tell a fat girl that she's elegant haha. So that was a relief.

However, I was still scared to start presenting male. I was afraid that what was an acceptably looking but fat woman would translate to a hideous man. And maybe it did. Now that that I've taken the plunge, I look like the love child of Kim Jong-un and James Charles, which is... a look. Yet, every time I see my objectively hideous face in the mirror, the joy I feel is overwhelming. I'm beaming. And people see that and and seem to be genuinely excited about me. There is a lesson here. A lesson about living as the human being you are, not the one that follows a convention that is killing it. Read More »